Monday, October 14, 2013

How to Become a Millionaire


First off, You're Welcome.  Because if I wasn't so tired/lazy, these ideas would already be in motion and you wouldn't have the opportunity to be in on the ground floor of such high reward potential.  My only request is a 5% cut of future earnings.  Deal?

Battery Changer:
I typically buy toys without batteries (per the photos above).  You may think it is because I am an amazing mother who encourages my children to use their imagination; not allowing the toy to create the fun for them.  Uh, yeah sure, that's it.  

Hours of my life and strands of hair have gone missing due to dead toy batteries.   

The first obstacle is finding a teeny tiny screwdriver to release the 6 (SIX!!) miniature screws holding in the batteries.  The second issue is keeping the bouncing child calm while they wait for their toy to rise from the ashes.  Once the minuscule tool is located and the batteries are revealed, only then do you realize issue three.  You have A batteries, AA batteries, and two D batteries.  This toy requires three D batteries.  Of course it does.  So you stock up on D's thinking "these toys won't get the best of me."  But they will.  The next toy will reveal a need of C batteries.  

Please, I beg of you.  Start a business visiting families to change out dead toy batteries.  You will retire early and you will retire wealthy.  I will be your best customer.  

Toddlers into Energy Source  
How on earth do wind turbines turn wind into usable energy?  Do that.  A toddler is given some good exercise and you can guarantee a nap?  Done.  I have a toddler to contribute (for a fee of course).  

Frustration Free Toy Packaging: 
Though I have numerous complaints with toy packaging, I will focus on my top two rants: The Opening and The Wrapping.  

The Opening: 
There are typically two ways a child receives a wrapped toy:

(1) At the store, a toy is selected and the child carries the toy around asking incessantly when they can open it.  As a smart parent anticipating this scenario, the toy is the last item selected before you pay and leave.  Yet, no matter how quickly you navigate to the checkout, the child's anticipation and fervor is unrelenting.  Not to mention the toy aisle is the furthest location from the store exit.  After prying the box from the child to pay and 55 "can you open this" asks later, you arrive home.  Only to spend the next 45 minutes wrestling the hermetically sealed item out of the packaging.  Normally it should "only" take 20 minutes, but with the child trying to help, the process is lengthened and increases your number of self-inflicted scissor wounds in an attempt to avoid cutting your offspring.

(2) A birthday party.  Same bouncing, impatient child as in #1, but with more children crowding the unopened toy, the hysteria for instant toy gratification is immeasurable.  

There has to be a better way.  

The Wrapping:
Wrapping a packaged toy is a lesson in futility.  There are typically three nice solid sides to toy boxes.  And then a gaping hole where you can view and push one button of the toy.  Once the wrapping is complete you have to hold it only on the solid sides and are not allowed to touch or let wind blow on the precariously covered hole.  Try explaining this to the child who demands to present the gift to his friend.  

Since our gifts always ended up with a peek-a-boo tear in the front, friends now only receive gifts in bags. 

I leave it in your hands to help parents worldwide by developing a packaging system which is easy to wrap and open.  Please.

Nail Clipper or Pill to Stunt Nail Growth
I will pay big money to have someone visit my house weekly (which still is not frequent enough) to trim my one year old's nails.  Tools required: Clippers and a Car (or CTA pass).

Why does a nail even need to grow dead cells at such an alarmingly fast rate?  If you create a lotion or pill to simply slow the growth, my child will no longer resemble Wolverine for days on end.  Especially since our little man sustains far too many self inflicted wounds and doesn't heal quite as quickly as the true superhero.  Though his daggers do help level the playing field in toy battles with his older brother.  

I will try to look at the silver lining (self defense) until you have the capital to get this up and running.  

Write a Children's Book
Concerned because you don't have a theme in mind nor do you have a firm grasp on verbs, adjectives, fragments, and run-on sentences?  Well, you are in luck, because this is the perfect recipe to become a children's author.   My extensive research has shown nearly all books are poorly written with weak story lines...but, hey! look at these cute drawings!  

And these are the books my son continues to clamor for.  His specialty tends to be the this-is-so-terribly-written-it-is-painful-to-read category.  My toddler's favorite book highlights a black and white checkered elephant, who is also a ventriloquist.   Yep.  Because that makes perfect sense and is a breeze to explain.  

Kids obviously have no concept of bad literature, so you may as well make some easy money and add to our reading pile. 
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Here's hoping you bring one of the ideas to fruition so we can both get some extra cash flow.  That's right, "we" - the ideas are worth a little something...