Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Cry Baby

 I was promised water with my ducks                                               Take. Off. This. Hat.

I've been referred to as dead inside. As having a heart of stone. You know the phrase Speaking Truth, in Love? Apparently I have mastered the first half with a little to be desired on the second. And those are just comments from my husband. 

Though I haven't loved these descriptors (I prefer the term “realist”), they were, in essence, true. Historically, I was never very emotional or known to shed many tears.

Notice the past tense? Me too.

Sometime during my post-partum stay at the hospital, there was a change.  Maybe it can be chalked up to the 24 hours without food or water, but a sniveling version of myself nestled in and refused to leave. Like a free boost at Jamba Juice, the cry baby emotion was included with my stay.

Situations which previously left me unaffected now make me cry.  I misted up watching a marriage proposal of a couple I never met. Welled up as a man gave up his seat on the train for an elderly woman.  Seeing a three legged dog hobble around the block queues the tears.  And don’t even get me started on the Applebee’s commercial where the football team arrives at closing time.  I am a mess.

Do I miss the old version of me? Sometimes.  It's strange how news stories, commercials, and babies hold a kryptonite type of power over me.  But I like the softer side too: there's now more Love in the Truth spoken and more empathy for what others are going through.

Previously I wasted energy hiding my emotions.  Now the joy of watching my child laugh and learn often materializes into tears.  Tears I wear with pride.  To me, these emotional moments become the lasting memories no photo can capture and no parent can forget.  But just in case, I still tend to write them down or document with video…my memory isn’t what it used to be.

Now where was I?  Oh, right…

While the pre-baby me isn't completely gone (I still roll my eyes at any RomCom starring Kathrine Heigl), I can now appreciate the softer outer shell to my heart of stone and wisely carry a pack of Kleenex at all times.

Though, it would be easier to keep up my tough girl fa├žade if the three legged dog would move out of the neighborhood.  He's really destroying what I have left of my street cred.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

My Apology

A smile when laid down to sleep isn't a good sign.  A yawn when you are trying to leave is even worse.

I'm sorry. Friends with children, friends without. No matter. You are due. Let's consider this my official Apology Tour.

To friends with children:
If you had children before me, there is a 100% chance I judged you.  How hard was it to shower each day? Could you really be that tired?  Weren't you home sleeping all day?  And what is the deal with your inability to be anywhere on time (or to get there at all)?

We swore our family would be different. We are not.

Luckily, finding time to shower was not too hard for me (by sacrificing sleep, a 5am shower would suffice).  The problem was more in how pointless it was to shower.  I enjoyed being clean no longer than 10 minutes each day before being drenched in spit up.  At a certain point I even gave up changing clothes.  The extra laundry wasn't worth it.

Now onto sleep.  Sleep - Oh how I miss you.  Saying the word makes me sad.  It is impossible to describe the exhaustion associated with the first 3 months.  The worst part is reflecting on each day and realizing nothing was done or accomplished.  What was I doing all day?  One thing is for sure, it wasn't sleeping.  I'd like to think it gets better, and look forward to the days where we have to pry the kid out of bed to make it to school on time.

Turns out, the biggest struggle has been getting anywhere on time.  Right when we are ready to walk out the door there is a diaper explosion or sudden need to eat.  Worst of all, a rub of the eyes....Eventually we released the dream of keeping to a schedule and are now satisfied to show up at all.  

All of this confirms you are owed an apology for my judgement and lack of understanding.  I'm still learning, so please assume any and all future apologies are included above - I won't have time to get to each individually. 

To friends without children:
Sorry about the whole "I-will-never-have-children" statement.  In fact, a lot of statements started with "I will never..." or "I will always..."  Obviously we veered pretty far from the "baby free" path, so you can assume many of my blanket statements have been, or will be, broken (I'll never stop shopping at BCBG.  I'll never complain about money...).

One of the statements affecting you the most is "We will always hit the town together."  In fairness, this is no problem if you catch me around noon.  However, I may have insinuated the hanging out would be at night. This was wrong of me.  My desire is there.  I desperately want to go with you to that new restaurant, bar, and/or club.  Here's the catch: activities need to end by 8:30 pm, so I can be in bed by 9pm.  I'm sorry, but my new "alarm clock" comes with a belly button, not a functioning snooze button.

So my apology to you is in the broken promises (current and future) made.  In an attempt to make amends, I will add a promise with staying power: I hereby solemly swear to never ask if you are reading my blog.  No check ins.  No tests. 

To All: My hope is for forgiveness so we can move forward in life together.  Even hang out. Which to clarify, by "hang out" I am speaking purely of the daytime and ideally somewhere cheap (cash situation is more of a drip than a flow these days).  Note: I will most likely be late.