Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Signs You Have a Toddler - Part II


As a continuation of Part I, below is the second half of signs you may have a toddler.  Based on my final score of 100%, we are neck deep in "toddler" at home:

(5) You eat really healthy.  Until the kid is asleep.
When my son is awake, we are incredibly healthy.  We sing songs about trying new and healthy foods.  We smile as we ingest carrots: MMM...this is so good, you'll love it!  

Then our son goes to bed.  Within seconds, ice cream is removed from the freezer, and/or Doritos sit out in the open, and/or cookies are finally released from their cupboard.  If I am honest with myself, the charade is 50% health and 50% selfish.  While I want him to avoid sugar, I also don't want to share.  Those Milano cookies ain't cheap.

(6) Each day has a 75% chance of dancing
And a 100% chance of singing.  When spontaneous dancing occurs, it is easily my favorite moment of the day.  Music not required.  "Dancing" is defined as mostly hopping around, running in circles, followed by flopping to the floor.  There is a slight potential of bruising, but it's worth it.

(7) If I am getting a babysitter, my night better be amazing.
I've turned down many requests for a quick drink after work or a fun networking event.  While fun, it's not $15/hour fun.  I am not wasting my money (or time) on a good movie.  It  has to have the potential of being revered as one of the funniest or most action packed of all time.  Or at least have Daniel Craig or Emma Stone as one of the actors.

Dinner out?  Maybe, but there are rules.  If this is the newest and hottest restaurant in town, I am game.  If it is the joint around the corner, no thank you.  I may as well take the kids, because someone will saddle up to our table with them anyway.  If I'm paying a sitter, I  want my night to be kid-free.

(8) Your floors are dirty.
It's almost a joke to clean them.  As soon as I pick up the broom, my son wants to help.  Which, in theory, is cute.  In reality, he manages to find any dirt piles and re-distribute the grime.  Like desperately freeing an animal who has been caged.  Or if he uses the fact I am distracted to walk throughout the freshly cleaned rooms munching on only snacks with a high bite-to-crumble ratio.  

So if you visit my home unannounced (or potentially even with fair warning), please keep on your shoes.  Otherwise, potential is high for you to leave with some cheerios or jelly adorning your socks. 

(9) Commercials make so much more sense
To be fair, this starts somewhat at the birth of your child, but when they are toddlers, the commercials are like mini-dramas -- you laugh, you cry, you identify...and then of course you buy the product.  Hands down my favorite is the woman who cleans with the swiffer in half the time then runs around pointing at a book saying: I'm going to read one of these! 

(10) You are an incredibly slow runner 
No matter what, I can never quite reach the ball or cross the finish line before my toddler.  Sure, my legs are 3x the length of his, but I am impossibly slow runner.  And on the off-chance I magically (read: accidentally) arrive first, I somehow can't get my hands around it.  The toddler always wins. 

And don't get me started on my skills at hide and seek.  They are just pathetic.