Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Signs You Have a Toddler - Part I


Are you often singing a tune you wish you didn't know?  Perhaps someone is trying to convince you nap time is over (when it definitely is not)?  These are a few indicators you may have a toddler in your home. 

Below are 4 of the top 8 signs our house is occupied by a toddler:

(1) There is an upbeat, but irritating song in your head.
Half the time it takes me until noon to even realize a toddler tune has been buzzing around in my head and to those nearby all morning.  Then reality sets in: this song won't stop reminding me of the joys of new foods (Try it!  You'll like it!) until a new, equally positive and repetitive song replaces it.  It's a never-ending cycle.  

Somehow an Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas song snuck into our home and now those squeaky verses about hoola-hoops are horrifyingly playing over and over in my head.  If you see me staring blankly ahead while at a busy crosswalk, I am most likely weighing the pros and cons of throwing myself into the oncoming traffic to make the voices stop.

(2) You lose arguments. Even when you win.

Chase: Mom!  Mom!  A PS truck! 
Me: Great job seeing the UPS truck!
Chase: No Mom.  PS Truck.  No UPS.

This conversation took place on auto-loop for about 5 minutes before I just let him have the victory.  Honestly.  I'm arguing with a 2 year old.  They don't fight fair.  They don't even know the rules.  

We also have a daily discussion on eating candy for breakfast.  Every.  Morning.  While I never cave, his determination is steadfast.  I am sure as he thinks it's only a matter of time before he breaks me as he tilts his head to the side, slightly raises his eyebrows, and uses his sweetest voice with arms out-stretched: Candy?

The weirdest arguments to date are over songs...sung correctly.  Example:  

All:  A B C D...
Chase: (interrupting angrily) No mom.  Like this: A B C D...
Which, as seen above, is exactly what we all just sang.  
We start again:  A B C D...
Chase:  NO MOM. Like this: A B C D... 

At this point, I just stop singing because (based on history) I will never get it correct.

(3) Story time is apparently judged like American Idol
Against my wishes, a new tradition at Chase's bedtime is to tell him a story.  What a cute idea, right?  Well, the receiver of the stories tends to be a bit critical and while my husband is a master story teller (and coincidentally an amazing liar), I am not.  Growing up on a farm gives Kevin all sorts of made-for-small-boys stories involving cows, chickens and scooters.  

Chase caught on quickly that story time isn't my forte.  Try as I might, most stories illicit the reaction of My no like that story mom with him offering me the chance to tell a new one.  Most likely hoping the next one will be better.  It will not.  One night it was apparently so bad, he asked "Where's Daddy?" 

(4) You say weird things
The statements of "because I'm the mom, that's why" and the like aren't ideal, but saying them is not weird (or surprising).  Instead, it's phrases like the below which continue to throw me off.  Never did I expect such sentences to come from my lips:
  • I will dunk you through the basketball hoop one more time, then we have to get ready for bed
  • Please don't fist-bump your brother while he's sleeping
  • That's not 'penis' butter, you mean 'peanut' butter (I'm not kidding)
~~~~~
The other four Toddler signs to follow in the coming weeks....